So the Sunday, we hung out at my house for a while and we were laying on my bed having one of those gooey lovey dovey looking into each others eyes kind of moments that make everyone else want to barf because it’s soo mushy and gooey and couple like (good thing we were alone). So being caught up in that moment (the moments were really like 5-10 minute moments at a time), we kissed, and then again, and then again. Soon enough pecking turned into lip locks, and lip locks turned into open mouth and well obviously open mouth led to tongue and making out. It was my first time legitimately making out. I mean it’s not the first time a guys tongue has been in my mouth, but the first time wasn’t so pleasant and he was more like shoving it down my throat. So we aren’t going to count that one, but back to Jake. We were making out and taking breaks and looking into each others eyes and then making out again. It wasn’t really intense, it was more soft and gentle, I guess? It was really really nice:) Both of us were really into it, and then he just stops. He looks at me and says “I need to borrow your laptop, I need to watch a music video.” In my head, I’m screaming, “NOOOOOO! Why did you stop? Please come back.” In real life, I just said, “Okay, no problem.” I was hoping he would watch it and then we would get back to kissing. We didn’t. After a couple music videos, I ended up falling asleep. I woke up about 10 minutes later. We decided it was time for him to go home. So he left. I was left wondering why he would do that. Why just stop? To watch music videos? I mean I know his passion is literally metal. Like he knows everything there is to know about metal, but was his passion really strong enough to stop our makeout session? Then, it hit me. He stopped because I sucked at it. He didn’t stop because he wanted to watch video; he stopped because he wanted to stop kissing me. I accepted this and wanted to cry. He texted me “Goodnight,” and I said it back and I apologized for my bad kissing. He said he enjoyed it and how he would have stopped if he didn’t. That didn’t help, because he did stop. I didn’t say more. I went to bed.
The next day we hung out at his house. We were in his basement alone watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Out. We finished the movie and watched TV for a while because we knew we didn’t have time to finish another movie before dinner. He flipped to watch repo games. I just thought “What a loser haha.” Then I looked at him and kinda of laughed a little and then kissed his cheek. He started to look into my eyes, and we started making out again. Unlike the day before, it got really intense. He kept pulling me closer, and I kept pulling him closer. We kept adjusting, and then the commercial was over and we took a break. It was asdfghjkl;: definitely made me want more. The next commercial break I looked at him, and I said “So.. it’s commercial, do you know what that means,” and he replies what and we started kissing and making out again. Then after a little while we took a break and he apologized. His hand had grazed my boob and I didn’t even notice. We promised to watch ourselves. He said he would be careful of his hands and control them better. I understood and was okay.We still made out. We hung out at my house and made out some more. We also had a talk about our self control. He apologized again for his drifting hands. We made it clear he didn’t want to have sex with me and he wasn’t trying to. Like me, he has morals that include abstinence and wants to stay clear of sex. He admitted he watched metal music videos the night before because he was tempted and he didn’t want to go too far. He went home and we felt good about our relationship again.
I came over yesterday and something was wrong. He was acting funny. He kept asking if we make out too much after we would kiss. He would tense up when I would poke his sides and try to tickle him. Later he finally told me, he had a dream about us making out and it went too far. I assume it was a sex dream with me. It was bothering him that whole time. He thought by having that dream he went too far. He can’t control his dreams. He didn’t want it to seem that he wants sex. We talked about it and I decided it was best we stopped making out for a while. The dream honestly didn’t bother me, but it made him scared to touch me. We decided to start over and take kissing much slower; go back to kisses on the cheek. We are going to take it much slower and find our limits of self control. I know it’s what we need, but I have to act like it never happened. It’s killing me. It’s like if you read the first half of a really good book, and then someone took it and said you couldn’t read it anymore. They promised to give you one page at a time every once in a while. So you would read the book much slower and probably have to start over multiple times just to remember what happens. I mean this just shows it’s a good thing we stopped for now, but I wish we could have just kept making out and kissing and just learning to control it. Instead of just stopping for now. I wanted to cry after deciding this was best. I really care about him and I really don’t want to have sex. I know this is what’s best, but man, it’s really hard.
So Jake has this best friend, Dillon who was also in drama. They are going to be rooming together in Lincoln. All my high school career, I have wanted to be someone Dillon could like and be friends with (him and other people in drama, too). Honest to God. I just want him to like me, because he’s a funny guy and big in drama. Now, my desire for him to like me is burning because he’s Jake’s best friend. I want my boyfriend’s best friend to like me. Is that so crazy?
At first, Dillon thought I was playing Jake like the past girls he’s had in his life. He thought that I was using Jake for rides, that I was leading him on, or that I was just toying with him before I realized I liked Jake. As my best friend and now my boyfriend, I have always cared about Jake deeply. I have never once tried to use him. I did not use him for rides, I asked him because I liked spending time with Jake. On top of that, he wasn’t the only person I ever asked. I understand he worried because he cares. He didn’t want to see his best friend to get his heart broken again. I mean I was worried about being the kind of person to hurt Jake. I knew when he told me he liked me the first time, he was giving me the power to hurt him. It scared the shit out of me, and honestly, it still does. Anyways, I thought that when Dillon saw that Jake and I made each other so happy and we were good together and I wasn’t another girl planning on ripping apart Jake’s heart, he would like me or at least not hate me and give me a chance.
I got glimmers of it, when Jake was around, but when he wasn’t or had the chance, I didn’t feel like Dillon liked me at all. Dillon is one of those people who makes it obvious if he likes or doesn’t like you. So many times, he has flat out told me, “Stop, you are fucking annoying.” I won’t ever admit to Jake how much it hurts me to hear that. I will never admit to him how much it eats away at me. That was over a month ago, but I can still hear Dillon saying it to me. I can hear all his negative comments toward me, because I know they aren’t jokes. Ever since that day, I constantly make sure Jake doesn’t find me annoying. He doesn’t know that’s why, but that’s really why I do. I’m scared he’ll realize it and walk away.
I feel horrible when Dillon calls Jake while he is at my house and tells Dillon he can’t hang out because he’s with me. I feel like I’m stealing him away. I tell Jake he should go and hang out with Dillon, but he won’t budge. I don’t want to be the girlfriend who steals away their boyfriend from their friends. I don’t want to seem controlling or selfish or greedy. I want him to hang out with his other friends. I even texted Dillon that I’m sincerely sorry and I don’t mean to take him. He simply replied with a “its fine.” So obviously it is not. I don’t want to give him a reason to not like me, but when I took up Jake’s time when Dillon called him spontaneously, I did. I look like such a bitch to Dillon. A controlling, selfish, annoying bitch not deserving of his best friend. He’s definitely right about me not deserving Jake. Jake deserves more.
Dillon doesn’t like me. I know that. I also know that I can’t change that. There is nothing I can do that I haven’t already tried to change that. It’s just a fact. I know that I will feel unwanted and unwelcome if I go visit them in their dorm in Lincoln, because he won’t want me there. I’ve tried to show him, I’m not using Jake and that I honestly, truly, deeply care for Jake. It hurts so much to know that my boyfriend’s best friend doesn’t like me. He doesn’t approve. He knows I don’t deserve Jake, and his disapproval just reminds me of that fact. I could never tell Jake the depth of this, because it would make him mad at Dillon. I could not bare to be at the root for his anger towards his best friend, so I keep the depth of hurt out of the conversation. I don’t want to get in the way of his friendship. I don’t want to steal him away from Dillon. I like Dillon, despite his hurtful comments towards me. I just don’t know what to do. He doesn’t like me, and the way he probably sees me is just another bitch getting in the way of his friendship. I feel like he’s waiting for me to fuck up. It’s like he knows I’m a fuck up and I don’t deserve Jake. It’s just that Jake doesn’t see that or is too blind to care. How do I get someone’s approval, if they know Jake can do better.
So it’s the end of the year which means there’s a lot of goodbyes. Jake is graduating in a few days. He will be officially done with high school. I will be left behind. He’s off to new and better adventures in his life and I’m stuck finishing my old adventures. Sometimes it scares me to think of him leaving in the fall. Actually, it always scares me. It’s become such a touchy subject with him and I. Neither of us want summer to end or fall to come.
So Jake is going to UNL. For those of you who don’t know, that is in Lincoln. I live in Omaha. That’s about 45 minutes away. It’s not impossible. On top of that, his roommate is his best friend who happens to have a girlfriend in my grade who also happens to be one of my best friends. So her and I can go visit them together Even if I just go by myself, I know his roommate will be cool with it. He plans on coming home as much as he can. He also plans on seeing all the high school shows to see his sister or me or any of our drama friends. There will be weeks where he won’t be able to come home, which I understand. I think our plan is very doable.
Even with our plan, I’m still scared about him leaving for college. I mean sure, I know he won’t be like any past long distance relationships I’ve had. (For those of you who don’t know, I had a long distance relationship on and off with a guy who lived in Omaha and then moved to Lincoln. He would constantly get my hopes up in coming to visit me, and end up being a no show. He would come back into my life when I just convinced myself that he didn’t want me and I needed to move on. He told me he loved me, so I would never stop loving him. Let’s just say that relationship never worked out. He’s a thing of the past.)He will actually try. I know I can trust him. He won’t cheat on me. I can see it when he looks at me or when he talks about me. He and I care for each other too much to hurt each other like that. I know my friends and family will be supportive. I know that he and I will still talk. I’m just absolutely terrified of what college could bring. It’s a known fact he will meet new people.I know he won’t try, but he could fall for someone else. Or worse, I could hold him back from one of those girls he might like or it could be a burden coming back to visit me. I could hold him back from doing what he needs to do because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He told me the worst thing he could ever do is hurt me. He told me that he could not stand to hurt me, and with our history and our pasts I know he’s not lying. I could not stand to hurt him by holding him back from his true calling in life.
The worse part about him leaving for college is just that. He is leaving. I’m not going to see him everyday anymore. I’m so used to seeing him and getting hugs from him about three times a day. I’m so used to eating lunch with him everyday. Next year, I won’t see him in the mornings in the music commons where we all hangout before school, or after my homeroom to walk me to my A2 class, or in a practice room for lunch on a days, or before my A4 class, or after school, or in the cafeteria on B days for lunch. He’s not going to be sleeping in the music commons during B4, or at Village Inn instead of going to work, or in the scene shop during rehearsal, or the fly rail during shows. He’s not going to be home for me to surprise and scare him. He isn’t going to be in reach. It scares me to think how much I will miss him. I’m scared for that. I’m scared I’ll be a wreck once I realize that we’re trying to hold on to something, but move on with our lives at the same time. He’s not going to be in reach when I need a hug from a bad morning, or a bad day. Or just because. It makes me cry just to think about it. It’s just weird to think I won’t see him everyday, but I know I can’t do anything about it. I’ll just have to enjoy the summer, and hope for the best.